The pub was busy, and Ali felt self-conscious squeezing between the groups of drinkers trying to find Louise. It reminded her of early days at vet school – arranging to meet up with a new friend in a city centre bar.
After five minutes of searching, though, including the wooden booths dimly lit with candles, she had to admit defeat. She was about to tap her phone when Louise appeared from nowhere.
“Hey Ali, there you are!”
“Oh, hey!”
“Can I get you a drink?”
“Yes please, a vodka and tonic.”
“Perfect. See you in a sec.”
Louise retuned with two large glasses.
“I thought we could both do with a double,” she smirked.
Louise wore a smart woollen coat that she carefully unbuttoned, folded and placed on a chair. Ali noticed a delicate image of St Francis hanging around her neck.
“So, how was your first week?”
“Oh, you know, it went okay. I mean it’s nice to work somewhere with all the mod cons, and it wasn’t too busy I guess,” Ali replied.
“Yeah, I’m enjoying the digital x-ray. God, you should have seen our last one though – looked like something out of an old sci-fi movie! And what do you think of the others?”
“Yes, Matt seems nice and Sharon has been so helpful with the computer system. I don’t know what I would have done without her.”
“Matt’s hot isn’t he? And he knows it. Wait until he comes in one day wearing his jeans though!”
Louise laughed still holding Ali’s gaze.
“And what about Margaret?”
“Erm…”
Margaret’s comments on Ali’s first day had left her feeling confused and insecure. Though she didn’t like to admit it, Margaret was often the first person she thought about in the morning, as she reached for the alarm and threw back the duvet.
“Lou, I’m finding it a bit difficult to be honest with you. It’s not that we’ve had an argument, but… beyond asking me to do things, she doesn’t really speak to me. Do you think she doesn’t like me?”
“No, that’s not it – look, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about actually. Can I tell you something Ali?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Promise you won’t leave though.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s had a hard time Ali. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she was always a little bit scary, but you could have a laugh with her. But now, I mean since…”
Confession
Ali could feel the alcohol starting to take hold; the sound of the other drinkers had receded.
“Tell me more.”
“I’m just going to say it because I think you have a right to know. And to be honest, I think you should have been told before. Okay?”
“Oh, okay, sure.”
“One of the vets, she was called Abi… she died by suicide. It’s been very hard for everyone. I think maybe we should have all taken some time out – Margaret too – but with it being so busy recently we’ve all just ploughed on. As if nothing really…”
Tears suddenly appeared in Louise’s eyes, “… happened.”
“Oh my god Lou, I’m sorry. That’s awful.”
“It’s okay. Well, it’s not okay, obviously but…” Louise gave a limp laugh. “It’s all a bit messed up. I didn’t know her that well really, she hadn’t been with us for long. But she was so conscientious and such a lovely person.”
Alison handed Louise a tissue from her bag.
“I just feel like… like I should try and move on. But I can’t Ali. I keep thinking she’s going to walk through the front door.”
“Oh, Lou… you need some time to grieve. How you’re feeling… it’s so natural.”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”
Louise breathed out slowly.
“I sometimes grab five minutes in the back room to have a bit of a cry. God, I love it out there – it’s so peaceful. The one room the builders didn’t bother with, left it as it was, and on sunny days I sit beneath the drying and I’m hidden, you know from everyone; from the world.
“And I can remember her. Sometimes it’s almost as if she’s there, behind the next towel or scrub top… then I’ll go and make myself some tea or bury my head in a friendly dog.
“You know, I’m sure they understand. I got in the cage with Samuel, from last week, and he was so still, just licked my hand. I don’t know how long I was in there, but it felt like hours.”
The tissue looked like a small white rose in Louise’s hand.
“It was so nice.”
The pair stared at one another for a while.
“Bloody hell, I’m so sorry,” Ali said quietly.
“Yeah.”
Louise pushed her shoulders back and tucked strands of thick black hair behind her ears. She drank from her glass, then gently touched the corners of her eyes.
“God, I hope no one can see the state I’m in. Is my make-up alright?”
“Don’t worry, you look amazing.”
Louise smiled briefly: “Thanks.”
Help
Ali held the door open for Louise at the end of the evening.
“I just feel like I’ve talked all night, Ali! You’d make a great therapist, you know that?”
“Oh, I’m not sure… You know what they say about vets preferring animals to people. Present company excepted of course.”
They hugged briefly.
“I really enjoyed tonight as well Lou. You’ve really helped – I thought this thing with Margaret was all in my head.”
It started to rain, turning a distant line of street lights into hovering orange lanterns. Louise did another button up on her coat.
“Bloody weather, and we’re not even in December yet.”
A young man from the pub threw a bag of rubbish into an open bin, which landed with a clatter.
“How are you getting home?” Ali asked.
“I texted the other half – he should be here any minute… He’s working nights.”
“Ah, well, see you Monday then?”
“Yeah, see you Monday Ali. Don’t worry about anything will you? I’m always here. Well, I don’t mean here obviously,” she said as she looked around at the pub. “That would be weird. Mind you…”
She raised one long eyebrow and smiled. Ali laughed and put her bag over her head as she walked off.
“You’re hilarious! See you Lou.”
Leave a Reply